Frustrations, threats, and conflicts cause stress

Stressors may be real or imaginary, past or future obstacles or stumbling blocks, i.e. frustrations. If something (or someone) has interfered with our "smooth sailing" in the past, it is called a frustration or a regret. It may upset us and depress us. If the obstacle is expected in the future, it is called a threat. This may be an accurate or an unrealistic expectation, in either case it causes anxiety and worry. A common human dilemma is when our own inner wishes, needs, or urges push us in different directions. This is a conflict.

Psychologists have described five major types of conflict that may help you understand your stress:

(1) Approach-avoidance conflict --we both want and don't want something. Examples: any temptation, like sweets, we like it but want to avoid it. You find someone physically attractive but their personality turns you off. You'd love to teach useful psychology to high school students but the pay is low. In this kind of situation, any decision you make has some disadvantage. It's "damned if I do and damned if I don't."

Furthermore, there is frequently an additional feature that makes this conflict more difficult to deal with, namely, the attraction is stronger than the avoidance at a distance (otherwise we'd just leave it alone and forget it) and avoidance is stronger than attraction when we get close to the attractive object. So, we are caught in a trap. It is like being strongly attracted to a glorious person whom we fear may not be interested in us. Thus, we tend to approach him/her and then just as we are about to ask him/her to do something with us, we get "cold feet" and run away, then come back again and so on. So often this happens in love relationships; there is a quarrel and a break up, but at a distance they miss each other and remember the good times and end up getting back together, only to find the other person is still a jerk; they fight again and leave, and over and over. Caught in this kind of bind, the stressful oscillating between approaching and avoiding may go on for a long time.

Note: frustration is like an approach-avoidance conflict except there is a barrier in the way instead of the goal itself having negative qualities that keep us away. For example, it is a conflict when low pay makes us hesitate to take a high school psychology teaching job. It is a frustration when the barrier to high school teaching is the fact that there are no jobs available. Age, gender, and lack of things, like money, ability, and motivation, are common barriers causing frustration. Adolescence has been called a time of storm and stress. In the early teen years, we are considered too young to drive, drink, go steady, work, stay out late, have sex, etc. As a young woman, it is not considered appropriate by many others if you want to work as a carpenter or truck driver, to be a senator or governor or president, play on the boy's football team, or be as loud and dirty-talking and heavy-drinking as males your age. The time when we would most like to have a new, expensive sports car is when we are 16 and have no money. Many of us would love to be a great singer but can't carry a tune. There are endless frustrations to be handled.

(2) Approach-approach conflict --we have two or more good choices but can't have them both. Examples: you have two good job offers, two or three kinds of cars you'd like to buy, two interesting majors to choose between, two possible dates and so on. This kind of conflict is usually easily resolved; we just make a choice. A few people become afraid they have made a mistake as soon as they decide. Many may briefly think later: "Of all sad words of tongue or pen, the saddest are these, 'it might have been'."

Making the choice among two or several good, exciting alternatives may be done carefully and cautiously by an unusually conscientious person; yet, the decision usually poses no big threat, unless one is hoping for a guaranteed perfect outcome. Others might make the same decisions casually or even impulsively. Of course, carrying out our preferred choices among good alternatives may involve considerable stress. When we go off to our favorite college, stress goes with us. When we decide to marry the person we love most in the world, we are anxious. When we try to excel in our favorite sport, there is tension. Each of us may have our own optimal level of tension as we achieve the goals we set for ourselves in life.

(3) Avoidance-avoidance conflict --we have two or more alternatives but none of them seems desirable. It's a "no win" situation, like approach-avoidance conflicts, except no choice looks appealing. Examples: we have a choice of studying a hard, boring chapter or doing poorly on an exam tomorrow. Suppose a woman becomes pregnant but doesn't want to have the baby and doesn't believe in abortion. We may be in an unhappy relationship but be afraid to leave. Suppose a parent or a spouse constantly disapproves of everything we do, but we can't or don't want to leave. These are very uncomfortable situations to be in. Often we try to escape: students drop courses, children run away from home, the young woman puts off deciding what to do about the pregnancy until she has to have the baby. Procrastinating or running away from the problem may only make things worse. At other times, escape is a reasonable choice, e.g. Erica Jong (1977) writes in How to Save Your Own Life about a woman in an unhappy marriage who became so afraid of failure that she couldn't get out of bed. Divorce saved her.

(4) Double or multiple approach-avoidance conflict --we are faced with many choices, each with complex positive and negative aspects. This is like conflicts (1) and (3) combined. The real world is like this sometimes: There is a good movie on (but you might flunk a quiz tomorrow); there is a lot of studying to do (but it's all so boring); there is a chance you could meet someone interesting at the pizza parlor (but it's too many calories); there is a job opening in your hometown (but it might be a serious mistake to quit college). All have their appeal; all have disadvantages; and you have only a few minutes in which to make many decisions like this every day.

(5) Avoidance-approach conflict --some ordinarily avoidable goals are so enticing (opposite of 1) that once you get close you can't stop: you can't stop with one cashew; a sexually attractive and willing partner may be impossible to resist once you get into bed. Emotions are like this--anger can be contained until we get to the boiling point, then we let go full force. Or, we may avoid someone or some activity or food thinking we don't like them, but once we get closer to them we find out we like them.

Being aware of the different types of conflicts could help you recognize troublesome situations in your own life. Such conflicts might be the source of stress and anxiety. Having a philosophy of life (chapter 3) and good decision-making skills (chapter 13) will help resolve the conflicts.